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Who would want to lead as a constrainer? You may be surprised to find that I come across people like this often. Ever met someone who:
Yes, me too. I have even found myself doing this occasionally with the best of intentions, wanting to support people, being interested, and thinking I had amazing skills of analysis and experience to offer. I was unwittingly acting as a constrainer, not a connector.
I have researched and developed the Host Leadership approach leading as a host, not a hero or servant for the past two decades. Host Leadership is both a metaphor and a model. At some level we all know how to act as a good host; it is analogous to organizing a party! Invite the right people to come together in a well-prepared space, establish some boundaries and norms, introduce them to each other, and don’t forget to join in and participate along with everyone else. The main part of the model is the six roles of a host leader:
Host Leadership is a modern and much more engaging practice than the traditional hero leader paradigm. The five traits at the start of this article are all signs that someone (maybe you) is being a little heroic. You want to be there, you want everything revolving around you, you want all information going through you. Control is your friend who needs trust when everything is happening in front of you.
Except, of course, that is very hard work. You end up limiting progress and not engaging your people to the max. And they get frustrated. And then they wonder about going elsewhere. And you get left with the people who need to be watched, controlled, signposted, and generally want you to approve everything and make all the moves. Not a good place to be particularly with a tight labor market, squeezed economics, and post-pandemic paralysis in the air.
In this article, we will be unpacking how to be a better connecter and avoid constraining too much. It is a life-changing shift. You will be able to be in the background more, engage your people better, and get everyone working for the overall good. This works at any level; whether you are leading a team, a project, a department, or a multinational, there are useful ideas to try out right away.
The power of connection
“We used to think that if we knew one, we knew two because one and one are two. We are finding that we must learn a great deal more about ‘and.’”
Arthur Eddington, astronomer, 1882–1944
Host Leaders are connectors. They build connections between people, link people and ideas AND know when to leave them to get on with it. Think of a connector in an electrical circuit: it joins two things together and something happens that would not have been possible without that connection; for example, a light comes on, we hear a sound or a kettle boils. Similarly, the Host Leader as connector joins people together and creates the possibility of something emerging that would not have happened without the connector.
It is so much easier and more productive to meet people when they have some kind of achievement, success, good practice, or track record to discuss. We usually get to see the best of people when they are talking about success, not failure. 1 In this article, we will look at three levels of connector:
Connector Level 1: Connecting with others (understanding people)
Before we can connect with people, we have to know at least a little about who they are, what they are doing, and what would be useful for them. This sounds obvious… until you think of how a constrainer might meet new people.
Sounding important, showing off, all about them and how clever they are. Good host leaders will have these things in mind when meeting new people:
Be interested, not interesting
Almost a century ago, Dale Carnegie wrote that ‘if you want people to be interested in you, then you have to get interested in them’. This is as true today as it ever was. Once you have got past the obvious who are you/what you do, here are some very useful follow-ups from my good friend and BNI founder Dr. Ivan Miser, a world expert in networking.
These questions get past the factual and onto the personal. They are all asking for the person’s perspective on their current work, not simply what it is. You can get a sense of the person’s ‘walk’, the journey they have been on to get where they are. Most people love to talk about this, and they very rarely get invited to do so! It also looks to the future, which is where connection can be a great help.
Catch people doing things right
When you are leading a busy team or organization it can be easy to fall into ‘managing by deficit’. The things that shout loudest for attention are where there are mishaps, errors, or worse. That can lead to meeting people only when they have done things wrong. While this is important, it is even more important to find ways to ‘catch people doing things right’. It is so much easier and more productive to meet people when they have some kind of achievement, success, good practice, or track record to discuss. We usually get to see the best of people when they are talking about success, not failure.
As a leader, you can cultivate an eye for both spotting useful things happening (and maybe using these as a good excuse to say hello) and for being very interested in how people are succeeding in working towards their goals. A few words can make all the difference in how valued and connected they feel.
Connector Level 2: Connecting others (connecting people and ideas)
Being a connector can make all the difference to the commitment and engagement of the team. Traditionally, leaders, particularly hero leaders, acted as if they were the ones who had to have all the answers as if no one else would know what to do. For some followers, this is great they like to be told what to do, and to be given clear instructions. For many, however, it means that their curiosity and creativity are compromised. Connectors bring people together, introduce them to each other, and to the reason for bringing them together: a problem to be solved, a challenge, an opportunity.
Think of a connector in an electrical circuit: it joins two things together and something happens that would not have been possible without that connection; for example, a light comes on, we hear a sound or a kettle boils.
The next thing the connector does is leave people to get on with it whether they physically leave or stay quiet and allow the team to work things out and support them in implementing their ideas. It makes a great difference, and yet often it is very hard for the leader who may be tempted to micromanage the team. Perhaps it is hard to let go, especially if the outcome is not quite what you expected. Of course, at that point, the leader always can step in BUT only if necessary, and they know that they must tread carefully.
Connection: creating something from (almost) nothing
It has been said that love, attention, and connection are some of the few things that grow by being given away. When we connect two or more people, we never know what might be possible. By introducing two people who didn’t know each other (or even who did, but didn’t know they had an interest in common or some mutually relevant skills or know-how), we open the door to potential. Sometimes this happens immediately, sometimes it is a slow burner, and sometimes it becomes important later on. It is such a great level of pay-off for such a small act.
The maths of connecting
The number of possible connections we can each make is astounding. Let’s think about it. Say you have 30 contacts (actually this is a huge underestimate, but let’s keep it simple.) So, you have 30 connections already. Now, suppose you start to think about connecting those people; that is 450 possible connections. (It is 30 squared divided by two, so you can check my maths if you like.) Which of those connections might be most useful? Who in your circle needs to know whom?
It is so much easier and more productive to meet people when they have some kind of achievement, success, good practice, or track record to discuss. We usually get to see the best of people when they are talking about success, not failure.
It gets better. Those 30 people also know 30 more people each. Even given the inevitable overlaps, that give tens of thousands of connections that we can enable. Again, who do we know who knows whom? How can we help them get together? And how often can we find new contacts and connections to make?
Connector Level 3: Everything is connected (wise interconnectedness)
“When we try to pick out something by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.”
John Muir, father of the USA National Parks
John Muir was wise to see that in the end everything is connected. This is not to say that we can’t treat things as being units as a matter of convenience, but in the end, that is what our boundaries are a matter of convenience. Muir was not referring here to some kind of ethereal force, some mysterious “field” binding everything. In a complex system (like the world in which we live), connections and interactions can mean that a change in one part of the system can lead to unexpected changes elsewhere. Even if the “mechanism” of the system is understood, the precise details of every fluctuation cannot be calculated in advance. Happy synchronicities and unintended consequences are inevitable results.
Even such ancient establishments as the British Parliament are now offering mindfulness courses to busy lawmakers.
This is the level of ecosystemic connection. Nothing exists in isolation. And yet, trying to consider every possible connection in advance is a fool’s errand. What to do in practice?
Raising our awareness
The key to finding and making use of unexpected connections is, first of all, to notice them. The happy synchronicities are there all the time; it is just that we don’t notice them. When our heads are full of everything we have to do, let alone what everybody else should be doing, and we are trying to think several steps ahead, our minds are too cluttered to notice connections. There is no space for awareness of synchronicities. Practices such as mindfulness, meditation, and relaxation can help us to create the conditions in our minds for new realizations to begin to dawn. The benefits of such practices are becoming clearer even such ancient establishments as the British Parliament are now offering mindfulness courses to busy lawmakers.
Know what would be useful to discover
When we know what we are looking for, we are much more likely to see it. In psychology, this is called the “Frequency Illusion” Once we have thought about something (buying a certain model of a new car, for example), we start to notice examples of the same car driving past. They were driving past all the time, of course, but we didn’t notice them because we didn’t know they were important.
One very useful attention-focuser is to think about both long-term hopes and short-term ‘signs of progress.’ It is the ‘signs of progress’ thinking that can be useful here by knowing what would be a great sign of progress, we can be alert to it even if it shows up unexpectedly. When you are stuck, try listing at least five tiny things that would be useful signs of movement. Simply going through the process prepares us to notice them and you may find that some were indeed already happening but were not on your radar.
The key to finding and making use of unexpected connections is, first of all, to notice them. When our heads are full of everything we have to do, our minds are too cluttered to notice connections.
We have looked at how to lead by being a connector, not a constraint. The great news is that everything in this article can be put into action without costing you a cent. No McKinsey analysis. No software implementation. Just start to look for people who could use a connection and start making a difference. And don’t worry; those involved will know your contribution. They may even be able to connect YOU to someone useful next time.
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